Sometimes in life its hard to see the people around you and not turn exactly into them. Ive always been the girl who has been cheated on by guy after guy and i told myself that i would never actually go out of my way and cheat on anyone because i don't feel its the right thing to do. 
       After about a month ago i met a kid who is absolutely amazing in the sense that he is a complete sweetheart. He allows me to feel like im important which is important to me because nobody has ever put me first in life and it feels nice to have change for once. When i met this kid Pete it was a little hard to get used to because as much as everyone wants happiness its not the easiest thing to let in. After starting to date him for about one month i started to allow my eyes to wonder thinking to myself that maybe I'm number one in his eyes but hes not number one in mine. I started to feel like the kids i once dated because it was becoming clear to me that i could very possibly cheat on him. I have not yet cheated on him but with every passing day i notice that im starting to have feelings for another guy.
       What factors come into play as to whom you want to choose? Does the fact that they have very different personalities but still allow me to love the way they both treat me. Is it okay that im not attracted to Pete but the other guy is gorgeous. When it comes to deciding who you want to spend your days with; what do you do? who do you choose?
       Recently i have picked up the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and its such a powerful book about love. After reading the book all your insecurities become hidden because you get a sense of happiness and high self esteem just from reading about how she dealt with love and happiness. For me i think love  & happiness is an important topic in the world because when people are unhappy most likely it has to do with some kind of love; family friends or relationships.

iv come to notice that when i have little to do for the day as i did today.. i think way to much about things that bother me. & its such a silly thing to write about because people shouldnt let things bottle up inside and just think about all of them when they arent busy with anything but its what i do best. I bottle it up and when i do get madd i let all my anger out on one person for everything going wrong in my life. So lately i found a way to let go on all my anger that builds up.. i read. I read books that are sadd or books about relationships. Ive started to read a book which probably everyone has heard about called... EAT PRAY LOVE ...and its about the best book i have ever read. Maybe my life isnt so complicated and i dont have the thougt of the world going on in my head & only think about my own personal life and love but to me its complicated. I feel like each day i try to find out more and more about what love is because at times i dont understand it.

Everyone continues to tell me that one day ill look beck on this day and laugh at myself but that still dosent make me stop. Each night i find myself crying over the same things that build up in my life - on the bathroon floor. My worse night to date was when i left Manny's house. Manny is a childhood friend who i date occasionally. I wont go into detail about  how my relationship evolved with him because that can go on for days and days but everyone knows what its like to fall in love and get hurt. The only problem with me is i rather get hurt one time and cry about it for days then what i did to myself. Im "seeing" Manny and I want to be with him but in his head, he only wants to "fool around". As everyone can see, hes a complete asshole. But the truth is... IM THE ASSHOLE. For three years that ive been "seeing" him. Ive allowed him to USE ME... & i have to live with that fact that i lowered myself so low for a guy. Sounds like such a little problem & everyone tells me to get over it and move on but i cant or shud i say i wont.... ive become so used to him that i dont know how to not run back to him all the time.